We Need To Talk About DARVO (2024)

Photo by Timur Weber on Pexels

It was a week before the wedding.

I’d been letting my fiancé, Micah, use my cell phone at work. This was when people first started using mobile devices, so I really didn’t have a need for it because of my landline.

He left the phone in my car, and somebody called it when I was driving to the grocery store one morning. I looked to see if it was one of my friends since, technically, the phone was mine, but I didn’t recognize the number.

I remember picking up the phone and getting a sinking feeling that I couldn’t explain. I called the number back, and it went to voicemail.

“Hey, this is Nikki,” it said. I didn’t listen to the rest, knowing that my fiancé and this woman had a thing for each other even before we met. Apparently, they were still in touch.

When I got home, I went upstairs to find Micah still asleep in bed. I cleared my throat loudly, redialed and played Nikki’s voicemail for him on speakerphone.

He frantically leapt out of bed and started shouting at me. He vehemently denied that there was anything going on between them. How dare I accuse him of such a thing?

“Okay,” I said, “but if there’s nothing going on, then show me the private messages on Facebook between you.”

Of course, I didn’t know if there were any private messages or not, but by the look on Micah’s face, I knew I’d hit paydirt.

He knew he was trapped. He was living in my house, eating my food, driving around in the car I’d bought him. I had him right where I wanted him, and he reluctantly sat down at my computer and brought up his Facebook account.

There they were. Tons of messages between Micah and Nikki. Most of them were sexual, other than the ones where he was just insulting my looks or telling her how old I am or bragging about how I have money coming in from alimony due to my previous divorce. He even asked to meet with her the day before we left to get married.

The wedding was already paid for. We booked (with my money) a trip to Las Vegas so we could elope, knowing that family and friends didn’t approve of us getting married and likely wouldn’t come. I had a beautiful white dress and even a silver tiara, and the church was already booked for that weekend.

Before I could say anything about the private messages, Micah was up in my face again.

“What kind of crazy person looks at her man’s private messages? Why are you such a suspicious person? It’s really weird that you made me open them up and show you. Is this what our marriage is going to be like?”

Micah kept talking so much that I began to get confused and wasn’t able to keep up with his barrage of questions and accusations. Somehow, he turned everything back on me, and I started to feel guilty for calling Nikki’s number in the first place.

“You have a real problem with jealousy,” Micah told me.

That was how I ended up apologizing to my fiance for something he did wrong. On top of that, he kept swearing his undying love over and over and promised that he didn’t have eyes for anyone but me. It was the cherry on top, the attention and love that he knew I always wanted. Nikki was forgotten in an instant, and we were married the following week.

That was my first experience with DARVO. Sadly, it happened in that relationship so many times that I hardly even knew who I was anymore when I finally got wise and divorced Micah a few years later.

DARVO is a tactic used by narcissists to get themselves out of trouble by playing the victim and turning the tables in any problematic situation. The name itselfstands for:

• Deny

• Attack

• Reverse Victim and Offender

A narcissist will never admit to doing anything wrong. A married narcissist could be caught by their spouse in bed with somebody else, and he will tell her that she shouldn’t believe what she just saw with her own eyes. Not only that, but he will say that she was wrong to accuse him in the first place and calls her crazy, which is a narcissist’s favorite insult.

Once we learn about this tactic, it is easier to recognize and shut it down instead of letting it confuse us. We know we aren’t crazy and that we can believe the things we see no matter how much the narcissist denies it. We can stick to our guns.

DARVO is basically gaslighting in a severe form, usually done by the narcissist to shift the power to themselves in their relationships. Victims don’t always catch on to how they’re being manipulated, just like I didn’t at first. At its worst, it can leave their loved ones doubting themselves or wondering if they really are crazy when they’re perfectly sane.

The technique works best on sensitive people who don’t want to be mean and say hurtful things to the people they love. Micah took advantage of me because I had a tender heart. By the time I left him, it had been ripped to shreds. I wanted to believe in love and people, honestly to a fault. Instead, after the divorce, I felt like I couldn’t trust anybody anymore because of all the manipulation.

There are a few ways to protect yourself from DARVO, including educating yourself about this narcissistic tactic so you can look out for it. It also helps to repeat the bad behavior out loud and remind yourself what you will and won’t put up with as far as a response. Other ways a victim could fight back are as follows:

• Stay close to friends and family for support. Narcissists like to isolate their victims so that they can manipulate them without anyone being “nosy” and trying to talk the victim out of the relationship. Hang on to loved ones as tight as possible.

• Document your experience in a journal. When you read it back later, you can see by your own words what actually happened in any encounter and not fully accept the blame. It’s also good for describing incidents that were abusive in any form, so there will be a clear record of events.

• Seek professional help to navigate the relationship. Not only can it remind you that you’re truly not mean or crazy, but they can help you talk through your feelings and help you decide if your boundaries are being crossed or you’re experiencing abuse in any manner.

Victims of DARVO can find themselves traumatized long after the relationship ends. They may feel insecure or have trouble remembering bad things that happened, and their mental health can start to deteriorate. With a good support system and the help of a therapist, these victims can finally start the process of healing and believe in themselves again.

Practicing loving self-care can also be crucial to repair the damage of the narcissist’s cruel actions. If we can’t quite love ourselves yet, we can “fake it until we make it” and see how expressing that love changes our lives. We don’t have to put up with DARVO. We can stick up for ourselves and know that when a narcissist is involved that it’s not us but it’s them.

NOTE: If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-779-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org website for more information and support in your state.